Yep. Still struggling. It's an emotional thing. I have always had a problem with rejection, and EVERYTHING feels like rejection to me. I had a friend who had training in counseling tell me that most times victims of abuse don't even realize it until they're in their 60's, because they've been busy with life, kids, grandkids, etc. Well, I'm in my 60s and really struggling to put a finger on what is wrong with me. I have a lot of time in the stillness of an empty home to just think. And think, and think. I keep tremendously busy with little things, and sometimes big things, but it's still quiet and I think. Overthink. And overthink some more.
Yes, I'm confident now that I was emotionally and verbally abused. As a child, and continuing as an adult. I'm also fairly certain that I have undiagnosed adult ADHD. Plus some hormonal or other imbalances in my body. I keep trying supplements to try and find that elusive THING that is wrong with me. That docs can't find. That blood tests can't find. That surgery can't correct. That being immersed in scripture can't seem to fix.
I diet, count calories, drink gallons of water, walk, row, plank, intermittent fast, take supplements out the wazoo, and still nothing works. This diet, that diet, this new thing, that new thing. I know clearly what DOESN'T work. So I keep coming back to the things that work just a little bit. It's better than quitting, I guess.
Today I'm feeling a nudge. I believe it's from God. To walk. I keep getting the words in my head. Just walk. Suck it up for a while longer. But walk, too.
Walk.
Ok. I'm doing it, Lord.
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